Who are you?
Written by Dave Seddon on
This famous quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson made in the early 19th century is as relevant now as it was then and am sure will be as relevant in another 100 years and beyond. We are what we think about. I work with many people in their search for a new role or moving up the ladder and am frequently told, “I’m just not good at Interviews” or “they will never employ me to do that” etc. and guess what? They are usually right. Why? Because they have told themselves these things so much that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The person who thinks they can and the person who thinks they can’t are both right. We are what we think about all day long.
You become what you think about all day long
Identity is a powerful thing. Our sense of self keeps us grounded and carries us through difficult times. The stronger it is, the more resilient we tend to be. We build our identify from a variety of sources; some internal, many external. We define ourselves by our allegiances, affiliations, and beliefs (to a religion, to a political party, to a football team, to a company) and we adopt the values of the tribes we join. Our sense of identity is closely tied up with our sense of worth and, whilst we profess to be individuals, we’re consumed by what other people think of us. We spend money on status signalling (think big watches and sharp suits), wearing the right brands, even checking whether our last post received enough ‘likes’ on Facebook or Instagram or TikTok. Being excluded from our adopted tribe can be a traumatic experience and we work hard to avoid it.
Our job is an important element of modern identity. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog entitled More Than a Job Description in which I commented on how people tend to ask, “And what do you do?” when introduced to someone for the first time. It’s a social reflex which suggests the idea of occupation as identity is ingrained in our collective psyche. So, what happens when you no longer have a job? Perhaps you’ve been caught up in a downsizing programme or your company restructured itself – maybe for financial reasons, maybe because of a merger, or maybe because of COVID. Perhaps you just decided to quit, to reinvent yourself and take your career in a new direction. Whatever the reason, on Friday you were in a role that allowed you to use your talents, experience, and creativity to generate value and deliver outcomes. You were good at it, everyone said so. The following Monday, you’re sitting at home wondering “what next?” – and all too often “who am I now?”
The first thing to realise is you’re still the person you were on Friday. In the same way you haven’t suddenly become four inches shorter, you also haven’t become less talented, less smart, or less creative. Your job doesn’t define you; it’s a conduit for you to express your strengths and talents. Maybe you had to give back the company car and the phone but the things that made you successful remain with you because they are you. You just need to find another role that allows you to express them again.
If all this sounds laughably obvious, you’ll be surprised how many people experience feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and even depression after being made redundant. Those feelings only increase as the job search stretches out and weeks turn into months. The thing to keep telling yourself is you are no less talented, less smart, or less creative. All the accomplishments listed on your CV are no less true. It may take time to find a new role but find one you will. The only thing that will make that less likely is if you start believing your own negative self-talk. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “You are what you think.”
The stories we tell ourselves play a crucial role in maintaining our identity and sense of self-worth. They define us at a subconscious level. For example, if we tell ourselves we’re bad at interviews, we’ll probably find a way of self-sabotaging and making that prophesy come true. We may tell ourselves we’re not good at networking because we dislike working a room but conveniently forget that effective networking also includes chatting one-on-one with someone over coffee which we’re both comfortable with and good at.
It’s sometimes hard to be honest with ourselves, especially when we’ve experienced something like redundancy. Even when we’re in a job, our minds can play tricks on us – imposter syndrome and the Dunning/Kruger effect are two examples. Imposter syndrome is a common form of negative self-talk which plagues many of us, even when we’re demonstrably successful and good at what we do. The Dunning/Kruger effect is at the other end of the spectrum, where people over-estimate their competence and their self-talk convinces them they’re better at something than they really are. Both are examples of cognitive bias and they can be effective roadblocks on the journey to self-knowledge, if we let them.
As anyone who knows me will tell you, I’m a big fan of Earl Nightingale, the Dean of Personal Development. One of my favourite Nightingale quotes is “Our environment, the world in which we live and work, is a mirror of our attitudes and expectations.” I take this to mean our internal dialogue shapes our behaviour, our identity, and our outcomes – we literally are what we think. Henry Ford said it even more succinctly – “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.”
The simplest solution is to get an external viewpoint. Identify a small group of people you trust to be honest with you and whose opinion you respect (even if they give you hard feedback). Ask them for unbiased, constructive feedback. Don’t look for people who’ll praise you for the sake of it. That’s not helpful. Instead look for people who’ll tell you honestly what your strengths and weaknesses are. Ask for examples rather than vague statements. If you’re wondering where to start, you could do worse than ask the people who’ve given you a recommendation on LinkedIn.
Pretending to be someone we’re not to fit in with a group or a role is stressful. There’s a great quote from the author Kurt Vonnegut – “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.” However, we’re all able to effectively play a role for periods of time if it’s congruent with our true self. Think about the “you” you are when you’re with your family, when you’re socialising with friends, and when you’re at work. They’re all aspects of your true self, just with elements of your personality dialled up or dialled down to suit the situation. Once you understand who you really are, you can start to explore how far from your real self you can move without creating feelings of psychological stress that will eventually make you unhappy – or sick.
Being comfortable in your own skin is perhaps the greatest strength you can develop. Knowing who you are and being secure in that knowledge is critically important to maintaining your sense of identity and self-worth. You’ll become more grounded, more resilient, and happier. Most importantly, you’re more likely to identify opportunities that allow you to do the things you love doing and get you operating at your very best. It’s never too late to develop a strong sense of your own identity and no better time to start than now.
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